Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
