You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
