So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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