just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
