I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
