Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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