I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
