Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
