I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
