Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
