I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
