update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
