Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
