Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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