And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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