I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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