he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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