good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The power of my boobs compel you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
