I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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