you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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