Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
