I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
