I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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