I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
