Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found the puke drawer
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
