So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He shit in the fireplace
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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