Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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