thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
