One girl and one boy is just not enough.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
