If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize