Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
