Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
