Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
