moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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