mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
