I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
