Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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