Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
