I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
