Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
