My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
