Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
