I like my sex mixed with concussions.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You left your phone here
Wait...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
