I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
