Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
