A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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