All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
