What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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