just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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