I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
