Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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