Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
