I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
