When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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