i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
