Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
