I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
